The Animated Life

corpuscallae @ 2009-06-22T23:19:00

2009-06-23T06:20:15Z

GOING TO NEW YORK FOR A WEEK, SEE YOU IN JULY! :)

(hopefully with lots of stories, mad loots, and pictures.)

No more chemicals!

2009-06-18T01:26:46Z

AND ALL IS FULL OF JOY!

Last week was bumpy, but suddenly, I realize, I HAVE EMOTIONS. I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HAPPY AGAIN! (That sounds so emo.)

I thought I was doing pretty well on meds, but being off them and knowing how good I feel makes me feel like everything was super-stifled when I was taking them.

Max brought up a pretty good point last Friday when he said "If your plan is to eventually be emotionally self-sufficient and be able to deal with any kind of negative emotion without meds, what's the point in taking them now if you intend not to take them later?" And I couldn't defend myself, and decided to stay off the meds. For good.

It is a gloooorious feeling. Last night I was just so thrilled I was doing well again that I was nearly in tears. I love it.

It feels almost foreign, to have this kind of energy and interest in everything again, and a desire for interaction and inclusion, that it made me feel like a jackass because I'm unused to expressing such positivity. And then I realized, shit no, this is how happy people should act.

FUCK YEAH.

R.I.P. Dad

2009-05-17T08:34:18Z

Saturday, May 16, 2009, my father passed away.

I was at work when I got the call. It was about 8:15, I was making noodles. Mom sounded hollow on the other end, and asked me to come home. Naturally, I was shocked, and I obliged - the folks at work understood. I felt like I could barely function, and was forgetting to do everything. I made it out clumsily, and drove straight home. I barely cried, I thought about how quickly everything happened.
It was deeply scary, and weird, but I felt... and still feel empty and kind of emotionless. It's still sinking in.

My mom found him when she got home from work not too long before she called me. She noticed he had come downstairs while we were gone, and he was in the bathroom. She tried opening the door but it was locked, and after calling his name and trying to pry the door open she realized it was not locked, but he had fallen and was preventing the door from opening. She called 911 and they took the door off the hinges to get him out, and revive him, but to no avail.

When I got home there were a few dispatch units there and mom was speaking with some officials, I don't even know what their titles were. There was a woman and a man who were discussing things with my mom. I initially did not want to go inside, for fear of seeing my deceased father, but I did, and jumped straight into helping mom figure stuff out. We spent a long time discussing funeral home options, that was pretty much the focus of the evening - no one could leave until we had decided on it.

My father was a religious man, everyone in my family is baptized Russian Orthodox, but he followed it more closely than the rest of us. Mom knew he wanted his body to be blessed before anything else happened, so we started making phone calls before we even decided on a funeral home, to find a Russian Orthodox Priest. While that was happening, we decided on cremation instead of a burial.
Eventually, a few friends of the family showed up and helped us hunt down said priest. His name was Father Aleksei. He arrived promptly. By then, the people present were myself, my mother, one of the dispatchers, and four of my father's friends. About half an hour was spent blessing dad's body. It was an incredibly spiritual experience, I felt beyond human and deeply humbled.

After the blessing, my mom discussed proper religious procedures for the service. We picked a funeral home, and contacted them. About an hour and a half later people arrived to pick up my father. And that was that. His eyes were glazed over. He felt cold.

They left about an hour ago. Family friends are still downstairs with mom, they are having tea. I helped with everything I could, making arrangements and just thinking logically and practically. I will spend the day with my mom tomorrow, we are going to the funeral home to make arrangements for the service and everything else.

It is so strange.

In January, my father was laid off from his job, and fell ill shortly after. He seemed to be doing poorly for a few weeks, so mom took him to our doctor, who said that there may be a chance of him having cancer.
He was diagnosed with cancer mid-February - liver cancer, stage 2 of 3. I remember making visits to get CAT scans and diagnoses with him. He was so jolly and good spirited throughout them, and even these last few months. We constantly joked and spoke lightly even though we knew that it was a serious matter. My dad took everything really well.

I found out only today that he had been denied treatment, which is why he had been taking pills instead of chemo. (I still don't know why he was denied treatment, I imagine insurance stuff.)
We were doing lots of homeopathic stuff, tea, all-natural food and juice, etc. He was strong the entire time.

Just this week, I had a cold, and he came by my room on his way downstairs to check up on me and asked me how I was doing. I said "So-so", and asked him how he was. He said "About the same," and smiled.

Every day he would get dressed on his own, and go downstairs and eat and medicate and do everything by himself. Mom and I constantly offered help, but he humbly declined. Of course we still did everything to make things easier for him. Mom was still frantically searching for new things to help him, and was getting ready to quit her Saturday job just so that she could be home to take care of him while I was at work.
We could see him getting weaker, but no one had anticipated that this would happen so soon.

It had only been four months.

My dad and I were very close when we were younger, when we still lived in Ukraine. He got me started making art when I was but a wee child, and now it is my life. We spent a lot of time together, when my mom was in the hospital, and every Saturday he'd take me with him to hang out at the publishing office of the newspaper he worked for. We were great friends.
After we moved to Seattle, he got really distant. I didn't realize it at the time because I was too young. As I got older, he seemed absent from my life entirely, my sister thinks that he was going through depression because of our relocation. Homesickness, I'm sure was part of it. We barely spoke, and when we did we argued.
In recent years we'd gotten closer again. About four years ago I stopped bickering with my family over petty shit, and whenever he and I spent time together we could speak and joke and we were back to being friends again. I live with no regrets, but I wish I'd taken advantage of more opportunities to spend time with him. We were never as close as we had been when we were in Donetsk.

I realize only now how much of his life was lived in the spirit of optimism, with good intentions. I admire his attitude, and I wish I had told him this more when I still could.

I miss him dearly. I love my dad.

Now more than ever I do not want to be alone. I am already grateful for all the help I've had tonight from my friends who were with me when I had just heard the news.

I do not want to be without something to do.
I am grieving, I am sad, I am full of fear and confusion.
I also am inspired to do things, to do better, and to do everything I can and not waste my time.
It will be a hard transition between the inability to do anything because of loss, to living better.

I wish I had a proper way to conclude this mess of thoughts...
I love my dad, he will forever be in my heart.
R.I.P. Vladimir Kochetov. November 14, 1951 - May 16, 2009.

Writer's Block: Cookies

2009-02-04T08:24:17Z

What is the strangest advice you've ever received from a fortune cookie?

Submitted By merrytook92

View 501 Answers

Not advice, but,
"Your ideas will be totally acceptable."

I got this at a Chinese restaurant on the ave. while with Max and he laughed and called it something like a pat on the back. It's kind of a bogus thing to say on a fortune cookie but I thought it was hilarious, and I had it taped to my laptop for a while until it peeled off.

Writer's Block: On the Bus

2009-01-10T08:40:30Z

Jam a bunch of people together in a tight space like a bus or the subway and something crazy is bound to happen. What's the most memorable thing you've seen on mass transit?

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Last year in the spring, a few friends and myself went to the University (of Washington) street fair. We took a pretty busy bus back from it and sat in the very back on the seats running parallel and not perpendicular to the length of the bus. There was a man asleep on the very back seat, hugging his backpack and drooling on it, every now and then spitting up a little on it. His pants were sagging and he was not wearing any underwear. With every bump the bus went over they exposed more and more of his ass until the sleeping fella was flashing and mooning the entire bus. Despite my efforts to avert my eyes I caught glimpses of his exposed manhood, and with all of that and his puking combined, I found myself quite disgusted... We decided to get off a good distance before our stop just to avoid being next to that guy.

I haven't slept in a while.

2008-12-28T16:43:23Z

And I am pumped.
I realized once again, as I usually do over winter break, that my creative mojo kicks in around 1 AM and doesn't let up until I go to sleep. Especially if I'm wide awake.
I'm almost done outlining what will be 16 pages for PCBC, that will then get painted. (13 are on A4 size paper, 3 are on A3, and I'm onto the last 3, which happen to be the A3 ones.)

And in the meantime, I was on the PCBC chat, which is somehow amazing, and resulted in some random doodles that was me taking breaks from PCBC but still wanting to draw.

That Shuckle literally took a minute. Can you not tell?

But then I did something amazing!
Since this is a Pokemon chat, the subject of a specific skunk Pokemon named Skuntank arose, and I closely inspected the existing art of it on dA, and was saddened by the lack of cute Skuntank art, so I made some of my own. Which I am really pleased with! I'm surprised!

I think this picture saved my relationship with digital art. It was quick, painless, and I liked the result, style and subject.
I might do this more often now.

Writer's Block: Use Your Power

2008-12-25T20:15:32Z

Our holiday gift to you: the question submitted most often to Writer's Block—if you could have a superpower, what would it be and how would you use it?

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Also a popular introduction question at TAS! And one of my favourites, love to hear what people want their superpowers to be.
Mine would be shape-shifting. Yup.

Writer's Block: Department of Stereotypes

2008-11-16T08:32:17Z

One of the most popular gender stereotypes is that women ask for directions while men would rather be lost than ask for help. In your personal experience, does this stereotype hold true?

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Justin would usually try to pressure me into asking for directions/help when the situation needed.
I am very resistant to either of these.
I feel like I have a good internal mapping system and can figure out routes pretty well if I get a chance to look at a map. (Although I am balls at driving to new places without directions, and I need a navigator.)

My mother asks for directions.
I can't think of any other examples, really.

Tangent: So much art. I'm working on that Gondoliers poster for Elin and George. It's frustrating. I have about a 10x10 space to draw a pretty complicated scene with nine people (all of whom have to be about 2" or smaller). But I've been looking at some fonts because I also have to do a good amount of writing for this poster, and I'm actually incredibly excited about that part. It almost makes me miss design.

...Ha!

Writer's Block: The Meaning of Freedom

2008-09-14T21:17:14Z

What does freedom mean to you?

Submitted By tawhiid

View 103 Answers

Living like a cat.

Writer's Block: The Expendable Sense(s)

2008-09-01T18:34:44Z

If you had to give up one of your five senses, which could you live without?

Submitted By newbiepoet

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I've thought about this one pretty frequently, and I'm pretty set on giving up taste if I had to give up a sense. I'm sure I'd miss it a lot, but much less than I would any other sense.

Writer's Block: Six-Word Story

2008-08-14T08:28:18Z

Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” He is believed to have called it his greatest literary work ever. Can you write a story in six words?

Submitted By femspectre

View 504 Answers

Here's mine: "Don't listen: I'm telling the truth."

A sci-fi magazine had a few pages full of these, called them six word novels. All of them were written by popular writers of sorts. Here are a few of my favourites, because I was reminded of them:

"I'm dead. I've missed you. Kiss...?" - Neil Gaiman
"We kissed. She melted. Mop please!" - James Patrick Kelly
"It's behind you! Hurry before it " - Rockne S. O'Bannen
"TIME MACHINE REACHES FUTURE!!! ...nobody there... " - Harry Harrison
"Longed for him. Got him. Shit" - Margaret Atwood
"His penis snapped off; he's pregnant!" - Rudy Rucker
"Wasted day. Wasted Life. Dessert Please." - Steven Meretzky
"Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so." - Joss Whedon

Good times!

Writer's Block: Phobias

2008-07-24T20:03:41Z

Do you have a remarkable phobia? Does your phobia have a large impact on your life?

Submitted By bitter_melodee

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In the right situation, I can be afraid of anything.
The main one is as such: I have social anxiety, which leads to a lot of fears involving people. I think the main ones that stem from that are upsetting people, confrontation, and going out on my own (especially if it's a new environment/situation.) All three of those can actually at times be paralyzing fears that lead to panic attacks.
Phobia... or rather fear, has a pretty big impact on my life since the fears that come from my social anxiety really tend to interfere with conventional living. I wind up being scared of other social situations just as much sometimes, it's something that I need to work on.
I'm a very nervous person.

corpuscallae @ 2008-07-14T00:19:00

2008-07-14T07:30:34Z

Nothing can bring me down with friends like these.

corpuscallae @ 2008-06-28T01:11:00

2008-06-28T08:12:10Z

I want to punch everything right now, but punching the laptop would not be wise as it is expensive and useful.

corpuscallae @ 2008-06-28T00:39:00

2008-06-28T07:46:36Z

I HAVE CAPS LOCK ON. THE VULGARITY OF ALL CAPS WILL MAKE YOUR EYES BLEED!

THERE IS A FLY IN MY ROOM. I HATE THE NOISE IT IS MAKING.
TODAY HAS BEEN INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT, AS HAS BEEN THIS WEEK. I THOUGHT I WOULD BE OK BUT I AM NOT.
IF WESLEY WILLIS WERE STILL ALIVE, I WISH HE WOULD MAKE A SONG FROM THIS POST.
FLY IN MY ROOM!
FLY IN MY ROOM!

I'M KIND OF REALLY PISSED AT MYSELF AND EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. MOSTLY MYSELF. BUT I AM SO ANGRY AT MYSELF THAT I HAVE TO CHANNEL IT INTO OTHER THINGS SO I DON'T DESTROY SHIT.

JUSTIN IS DOING THE INTELLIGENT THING AND I AM TAKING THIS A MULTITUDE OF TIMES WORSE THAN I THOUGHT OR HOPED I WOULD. DAMN IT ALL TO HELL.

AT LEAST HE CALLED ME TONIGHT, AND I MADE IT CLEAR THAT I DID NOT FEEL WE COULD EVEN TRY TO BE FRIENDS AT THIS MOMENT. I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO MANAGE THAT RIGHT NOW. I AM DROPPING OFF HIS KEY SOMETIME THIS WEEKEND WHILE HE IS AWAY ON A TRIP TO ORCAS ISLAND.

NOW MORE THAN EVER I AM STARTING TO FEEL VERY ALONE.

THERE ARE ABOUT A MILLION THINGS I WANT RIGHT NOW, AND ANOTHER MILLION I WISH I COULD DO. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT EVEN ONE OF THOSE TWO MILLION THINGS. I'M VERY FRUSTRATED WITH THIS.

THIS IS THE 3RD LIVEJOURNAL ENTRY I HAVE WRITTEN TONIGHT, BUT THE ONLY ONE THAT I DIDN'T DELETE... UNLESS I DELETE IT TOO.
I'M PRETTY AFRAID OF SAYING ANYTHING, EVEN ON THE INTERNET. WHAT THE FUCK.

LUCKILY, WRITING THREE LIVEJOURNAL ENTRIES HELPS ME VENT, I AM NOT CRYING ANYMORE.

P.S.: That thing I said in the last entry, still true. I love my friends. They are the most important people in my life and right now I need them more than ever. Once again, thank you so much!

- Tonight...

2007-10-25T05:59:45Z

The clouds are aglow, the sky looks like a fairytale.

- Friends Only

2007-04-17T22:23:15Z

This is Ana's LiveJournal.

I am a junior at the University of Washington, majoring in drawing and painting. I work three jobs: I am a teachers' assistant for the teen art studios classes at the GAGE academy of art in Seattle; I teach private art lessons to two kids in my neighborhood, and I am a waitress/hostess at Samurai Noodle in the International District.

I live for art. I love my friends. I mostly write about my boring every-day life, things that happen (either really good or really bad these days), musings, and dreams. Sometimes I share my art, and other times I share cool things I found on the internet. Both of these are pretty rare.

If you'd like to be a friend, please leave a comment telling me who you are, and why you would like to be added.

Yaaay now let's be friends.